i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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