i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
