what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
