Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
a search helicopter?!
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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