I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
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You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
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Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
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