um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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