Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Randomize
