I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
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So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
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DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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