ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
