I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
