She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
