the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
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