she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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