i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
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I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
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Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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