I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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