She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
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I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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