So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
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