I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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