just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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