Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
