life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize
