Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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