You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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