I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
