Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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