So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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