No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
