mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
