believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
