I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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