We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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