Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Randomize
