So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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