You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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