maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
