if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
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