Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
