my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
tonight lets celebrate not being married
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
