Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
