I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
