I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Randomize
