Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
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Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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