last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
