i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
