Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
