Where are you?
In a non slutty way
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
