If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
