i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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