I am in a vortex of obligation.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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