cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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