you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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