She is in my trunk
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
