my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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