I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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